My Mom Story & The Gifts of Motherhood
My Mom Story is very different from my experience of Mothering.
Scared, uneasy, mad, guilty, these are the emotions that I felt whenever I was with my mom. On the outside she was stunningly beautiful, but for me her sheer presence meant butterflies, knots in my stomach, and that all hell was about to break loose.
I can count on one hand the few memories I have of my Mom and I together. No pictures (the one to the left of my parents together is one of the very few). I was just 2 years old when my parents divorced, and about 15 the last time I saw Terry in person. But let me tell you those few encounters all made a very BIG impact in how my life would go.
When I was very young I could not understand the disconnect. There were no feelings of love, longing, or a desire to be close that I felt for her, or that she felt for me. It was blank, a sort of “I nothing you” feeling when we were together.
It was around 9 that I began to see her mental illness. I began to understand that this disconnect had nothing to do with me. That Terry was in her own reality. A reality that did not include being a Mom and caring for me. Difficult, scary and sad as it was that was the truth.
However, I somehow knew that her mental illness wasn't my fault. It was my inner, intuitive, wisest self knowing.
That knowing was my saving grace, and it freed me from wishing for things to ever be different from what they were.
It’s what allowed me to release the fear and shame of seeing my Mom live homeless my entire life. The guilt of her passing several years back without any of our family even knowing. It has filled me with so much more compassion for those who suffer from mental illnesses and their families who struggle to cope.
When I became a Mom it was the chance to do it differently; not just for my girls but for ME. That little Stacy who had never experienced that deep, unconditional, all I want to do is care for you LOVE from her mom. Every hug, kiss goodnight, family dinner, pick up, drop off, school function, chance to cuddle, healthy snack, gymnastics meet and piano recital. Every chance to say “I love you”, “I am so proud of you”, “you are the best thing that has ever happened to me”. It has all been so incredibly meaningful and healing for my soul. The absolute BEST EXPERIENCE EVER!! I appreciate every little mother daughter moment so much more, having never had it before.
Being a MOM is the greatest honor and gift. It’s not over, but now that we are “empty nesters”, my girls are both off adulting and creating their best lives. I’m in a new Mom chapter, always transitioning, and grateful for it. I am proud of the life I have created for myself and the Mom I turned out to be. LOVE, LOVE, TRUST, FORGIVE and more LOVE. This has been my quiet mantra for success.
We all have our Mom stories. Our Moms give us life. Whether she gave you everything you needed or not even close, it’s all a gift. Our life is what we decide to do with those experiences that matter.
